The Importance of Play – September 30, 2014
Play is thought to be the language of the child. Whereas adults have the cognitive skills to think through and talk about their problems, children experience, learn and process through play.
An Example:
Last week, I had the dreaded experience of losing my daughter in the mall. I guess it is bound to happen to every parent at some point, especially a parent with multiple children. I had taken my twin daughters out shopping for Halloween costumes. My one daughter, Carys found her costume and asked if she could sit in the coloring area. I agreed and reminded her to stay there while I took Lise to look for her costume. Literally, 3 minutes later I turned around and Carys was gone. Eventually, after dealing with my own panic, I found her sitting outside the store telling someone that I had left her. Of course, it’s always the mother’s fault!
What’s interesting about this experience is how Carys has played out this theme of being lost at home in the days after the event. She directs her sister, Lise to go around the room looking for her mother. Lise is directed to ask Carys, myself, the cat if we are her mother and we are told (by Carys) to answer, “No we are not your mother.” After a few minutes of pretending to feel sad and scared, Lise asks one of us again, and then, we are allowed to answer, “Yes, we are your mother.” We hug, kiss, reconnect.
By playing this out (especially by projecting it onto someone else, her sister), Carys is able to have some distance from the experience and work through her own feelings. She can feel more in control of the experience. She can also feel heard and understood (because Lise and I are able to see how scary it must have been for her to be lost). This is her way of using play to understand and process what happened.
What is important as a parent in these instances is to first follow your child’s lead. It would be easy to “shut down” the play, by being logical, not paying attention to her feelings, or by superimposing my own ideas. For example, I could have “shut it down” by arguing and saying “Yes, I am your mother,” by telling her not to boss Lise around, by zoning out and focusing on cooking (or whatever else needs to be done)… Instead, what helps is to really be in the moment, to follow your child’s direction, to state back to them how they might be feeling (e.g., sad, scared, mad), and really simply, just to be present.
After following this play script a few times, I did add a collaborative teaching element (but only after I felt like Carys was heard and validated). Later, I added some questions, so I asked Lise, “Oh no, it looks like you lost your mother. Maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?” And then I coached the two of them on what they could say (how I look, my name). That way, they would both have a tool and idea of what to do if this ever happened again. Let’s hope not!
This example, shows the power of play for children. “Talk therapy” in and of itself just doesn’t cut it when helping children resolve difficulties and make meaning of their world. Of course talking is a part of learning, but children need the playful, experiential aspect too.
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