Parents often come in to therapy at their wits end with a list of negative behaviours observed in their child. Who can blame them? Most parents feel at their wits end, and when, they come to the point of seeking help they feel especially stuck, overwhelmed, and sometimes even hopeless. The whole family may be starting to interact in unhealthy ways. For example, the child hits, the parent yells, the child hits more.
I’m not saying not to address the negative behaviours, but often the child’s positive traits and skills get overlooked and the times when the child could have hit but did not, gets overlooked. It is easy as a busy parent to only comment and correct negative behaviour. That’s what stands out. However, we ignore the positives. And research tells us that positive reinforcement is much more effective than punishment or negative consequences.
How Can You Implement This?
First, list three traits that you appreciate about your child. For example, strong-willed, smart, determined, caring, thoughtful, funny, silly, playful, imaginative. Even negative traits can be alternatively viewed as a positive (e.g., someone who is stubborn, knows themselves well and is strong-willed; someone who is anxious is often caring, sensitive, and aware of others). Commend your child for these positive traits.
Actively comment on positive behaviours. For example, if your child cleans up part of their room, rather than focus on the fact that they did not clean up all of it, instead thank them for working so hard to start cleaning (then encourage them to finish). Praise these approximations and praise behaviours you take for granted (e.g., do they brush their teeth without being asked?).
Look for exceptions. Actively look for exceptions to the rule, i.e., times when they could have engaged in a negative behaviour and didn’t. For example, a time when their sibling took their toy and they didn’t hit or they didn’t argue. Either in the moment, or even at the end of the day, praise the behaviour. Tell them that you were so impressed by how they handled the situation. Ask them how they managed to handle the situation so well.
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