According to classic work by Mehrabian (1972), communication is determined 55% by body language (including facial expression and eye contact), 38% by tone of voice, and only 7% by the actual spoken words.
→ That means that 93% of communication is nonverbal!
WHAT ARE THE IMPLICATIONS?
For relationships:
Most of the time we are triggered not only by what someone says but how they said it (whether they be a partner, friend, co-worker, or boss). Sometimes we don’t even hear the content of what they say because our body has already reacted to how their body presented the message, and this can happen nearly instantly. This is especially true if the other person’s pattern of communication “triggers” memories of other earlier, formative relationships in our life (e.g., how our parents communicated with us).
What can you do?
We can’t really control how our body reacts, as it is designed to quickly and automatically read information and make decisions. What is easier to control is our AWARENESS of our body’s reactions to certain people and situations. With this awareness we can EVALUATE what our body is telling us and DECIDE how to interpret the incoming information.
For parenting:
Children, especially younger children with less language, are especially likely to pick up on nonverbal communication from others. Their bodies learns how to respond and react before they cognitively develop more sophisticated language skills. What this means is that children pick up on their parents’ emotional state and the vibe around them. In turn, if they have difficulties expressing their feelings or they are younger and have less language, they will be likely to “act out” (e.g., aggression, talking back) or “act in” (e.g., withdraw, complain of physical symptoms).
What can you do?
Be mindful of the tone, body language, and atmosphere of your house. When you notice behavioural changes in your child, rather than jump immediately to trying to change his/her behaviour, pause and consider how you as parents are coping – are you stressed, have you experienced change/disruption in your life? If you are affected, good or bad, the family system is affected too.
Next, use the opportunity to role model coping – talk in simple, child-friendly terms about your stress (not overly detailed) and how you are planning to cope with that stress so your child knows that it is not their fault and not their job to fix it. Demonstrate that you are taking care of yourself and using your tools (e.g., having a bath, talking with friends). For example, you might say, “Mom has been stressed because work is so busy. When mom gets stressed, she feels tired, her muscles get tight, and she can be a bit grumpy. But she is working on this, by trying to take good care of herself like by reading her favorite books and trying to have fun when she is at home.”
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